My child is being bullied

As a parent, you are likely to know when your child is being bullied; you're likely to see some change in your son or daughter. Some common signs that might indicate your child is being bullied include tummy aches, nightmares, reluctance to go to school and loss of confidence. They may lose contact with friends and seem isolated.

The best thing that you, as a parent, can do in this situation is listen to what they are saying and be supportive. To facilitate open channels of communication with your child about the situation, ask them how they have been dealing with the bullying so far. Talk to them about what else could be done and what action you can both proactively take to solve the problem. However, do understand that a parent's involvement could be seen by the bully victim to only exacerbate the problem, so your child might be reluctant to enlist your help in dealing with the situation. Reassure your child that you will not take any action until you consult them and agree upon it together.

It is important for your child to understand that being the victim of bullying is not their fault, that there is nothing wrong with them and that the problem most likely lies with the bully themselves, even though it is reflecting on your child.

Being proactive

Developing a plan with your child is important; they need to know where and how to get help. You can't always be there and it will help your child's confidence to know that they are dealing with the situation also. It may help to get your child to list all of the adults they trust, who they could phone or go to for help. Write the names and phone numbers on a card for your child to carry with them.

Other things that you can do...

If you know that your child is being bullied at school or within affiliated groups, clubs or sports teams, raise the issue with the school and ask them what they will do to stop the bullying. You can also suggest that the school contact the bully's parents, or sets up a system where the bully has to check in with an adult minder at key times. Enlisting other children's support to keep an eye on behaviour during break times and reporting this back to a staff member, can also help the school keep tabs on the situation and perhaps identify key timings or situations during which this bully lashes out, in order to intervene.

Encourage the school to develop a 'no bullying' policy if they don't already have one, and enforce the message of 'zero tolerance for bullies' among their students. Continue working with the school until the bullying stops.

Other places that you can look for help

If you have a good relationship with other parents and feel comfortable doing so, discuss the bullying with them. They may be able to suggest things that have worked in helping their own children. Additionally, there are support groups available in the community who are able to provide similar forms of advice.

Building confidence

A confident child is less likely to be bullied and there are a number of ways that you can encourage confidence in your child. If they are different in some way, help them to be proud of that. This self-acceptance will help them to better deal with any bullying incidents that do occur.

Some form of self-defence skills or martial arts can also assist a confident transformation in your child. These classes will enable them to feel like they are able to defend themselves, while also teaching them to assert this power respectfully, in a controlled environment.

Bullies are known to prey on those in solitude, and hardly ever pick on people if they're with others in a group. For this reason, encourage your child to spend time with their friends and provide them with opportunities to make new friends. Pairing your child up with someone who can provide protection and act as a role model can also be a positive move for your child.

Opening the lines of communication

If you discover that your child is being a bully, try to find out how and why they have been behaving in this way. Often they have seen someone else who they look up to bullying and getting away with it, so they have the perception that this behaviour is ok. It is important to explain to your child that bullying is wrong. One way to do this is to try to get your child to understand what it's like for their victim. Ask them how they would feel if someone was bullying them and whether they think it is fair to be able to make someone else feel that way?

Talk to your child about what they think might help them to stop bullying. Help or remind them how to join in with other children without bullying and model other constructive and co-operative ways of interaction with people, so that your child can learn. Positive approaches to other people will help your child reaffirm acceptable behaviour; praise them when they do play co-operatively with other children without resorting to bullying.

Your child must understand that they should never join in when someone else is being bullied. Instead put the emphasis on them helping another child who is being made a victim; after all, this is the material of heroes, not the other way around!

Help your child to realise that by doing nothing to stop bullying, they are supporting the idea that it is ok.

Enlisting outside support

Talk to your child's school to acknowledge that you are aware of the situation and proactively working to resolve it. Ask them if they have appropriate programmes to help bullies that could be employed with your child, or whether there is a school counsellor that you could seek help from.

If you feel it would help, you may like to consider an anger management programme for your child and/or yourself, or perhaps encourage a team environment that your child would enjoy that will help to promote working together with other children for a shared goal.